Stumblings

So….I may have made another bad move in this game of life. I thought I could just do any job for the summer, and just enjoy the learning experience. However, I obviously underestimated my current emotional fragility. This first job outside the realm of teaching was incredibly important to my overall self-confidence and identity. I needed a chance to prove that I can do something besides teach. I needed to know that I was good at other things. Then, I chose a job that is riddled with rejection. My only excuse is that I honestly thought this would be easier. Everyone else on staff seems so effortlessly successful. They act as if as long as you knock on a certain number of doors and say certain words, you’ll have no problems. But, I’ve been knocking on a certain number of doors and saying these certain words, and yet I have had no luck. In addition, to coping with near constant failure, I’ve also had these wonderful feelings of loss of identity. My identity has always been largely composed of my current job(s) and my education. Now that I have no clear educational path, and I feel incompetent at my job, I’ve really lost the sense of who I am. I was always, “Erica Hainz, future educator extraordinaire. I worked with At-risk students at X, Y, and Z schools, and I’m going to change the world.” Now, “I’m Erica Hainz, confused person with a degree in a field I refuse to work in. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know what I want out of life.” That’s quite the change in perspective, and it’s been a rather jarring experience. The only real tether I have right now is my title as Jake’s fiancee. That is the only thing that feels solid in my life. Everything else is shifting, but that one thing remains constant. However, that title does carry its own imperfections. Anytime I mention my engagement, the first question I hear is, “When’s the wedding?” or “Have you set a date yet?” The answer being, “No, my life has recently been turned upside down and torn apart, so the last thing on my mind is my future wedding.” Another thing is that I don’t just want to be defined by my relationship to another human being. I am a person in my own right, and I have more to offer the world than just being an attachment, an accessory to Jacob Labeots. I just don’t quite know what that “something” is yet.

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